The Big Squeeze
Because of a weird little health issue, today I had my first introduction to a space-age gadget known as an MRI machine. For anyone who’s never had to have an MRI before, the contraption is a big white plastic thing with a hole cut out of the middle for you to lay in, so when you’re inside, it feels like you’re being abducted by aliens via a weird, white, plastic cocoon. Once you’re in the thing, it makes an impressive variety of super-loud, jarring sounds that require the use of earplugs, and the whole experience takes a surprisingly long time. While I was encased in the latest in medical technology, here were the two things I kept thinking about:
1. My Secret Agent Loverman Errol Morris opened his TV series First Person with the story of Temple Grandin, an Autistic woman who designs humane slaughterhouses. The reason I was thinking about this in the tube, was that at the beginning of the program, she shows how she made a “squeeze machine” designed to contain and calm cows before slaughter. She demonstrated how she tried it out on herself, and explained that something about being immobilized and gently squeezed by the machine (see above), calmed her own sensitivity to external stimuli. I got into thinking about it as I slid further into the tube, realized that it was kind of cozy in there, and started relaxing until my mind wandered to thoughts of being prepared for slaughter. That’s when I forced myself to think of something else, which brings me to…
2. Kingdom Hospital! Am I the only person who watched that Stephen King series about the haunted hospital? With the amazing Diane Ladd starring as the psychic who keeps faking illness so she can get admitted to the hospital in order to make contact with the restless ghost of a ye olde creepie waife girle? That shit was priceless, and I remember there was a very suspenseful scene involving Diane, an MRI machine, and angry, restless, supernatural activity. Thinking about that episode made me wish I was still thinking about being turned into hamburger, but it was too late. I was already thinking about ghosts. Ghooooooosts.
And that’s when the lab technician’s voice came through some intercom inside the tube asking if I was OK. But I didn’t know there WAS an intercom inside the tube. So I almost soiled my gown. But I didn’t really. I was just startled or whatevs. You get the picture. Stay tuned for more true tales of neurotic tomfoolery as I continue my regional (haunted?) hospital tour.