Female Hysteria
Yesterday I woke up in the agoraphobic zone, so I stayed home, slept, and had feverish, fucked up dreams throughout the afternoon. My dreams are totes weird enough as it is, but every once in a while, I’ll fall asleep in the context of a dream, and then actually have dreams within my dream - the sort that would give David Lynch a hard-on and that will keep me hightaililng it to my shrink for the rest of forever. Here’s a little peek into one of these rare sub-sub-conscious scenarios:
I’m alone in a dark room looking into a microscope, and through it I can see what appear to be little iron filings randomly popping up as if magnetized, and then laying back down as if exhausted. I zoom in for a closer look, and under intense magnification I begin to see that the filings look like little pins with adult human faces hovering on top of their little pin-heads like tiny holograms. Some faces are brown, and some are white, and some are in-between. There are men and women, and all of their mouths are moving. I zoom in even more, and somehow locate a volume switch on the microscope which I turn all the way up so I can hear what the pin people are saying. Suddenly a cacophony of irate voices comes blasting out of the microscope. It sounds like a hundred different agitated people all trying to get my attention at once. They are shouting things like, “You had a chance to be born, now give me a chance!” “If you think not having a baby will keep you young forever, you’re wrong!” “Don’t leave me here!” “I want to live!” “It would be so easy, just ‘forget’ to take your birth control!” “Don’t be selfish!” “What are you afraid of???” I start screaming at them to shut up until I “wake up” from the dream back into the original dream I was having, only now I’m covered in blood.
Nice.
Maybe I’m freaked from the heat, or because I’m 31 with biology thudding in my ears, or because my BFF Johanna is fixin to become a mom for the first time this fall and I feel really invested in the process with her. Who knows? One thing is for certain though. I truly hate sleeping these days.
July 11th, 2006 at 8:07 am
Whoah. As GVBIII would say, that’s Heavy Duty.
July 11th, 2006 at 4:18 pm
totally. yikes.
July 15th, 2006 at 4:17 pm
completely unsolicited rambling from a total stranger!
I have a kid, a 4 year old boy, and we know he’s gonna be an only, by choice. So now my pregnancy terror dreams go like this:
I go for a GYN exam, and they decide to do an ultrasound. The ultrasound guy (who looks sorta like Cy Richardson from Repo Man) says, “Yep, you’re pregnant!” to which I reply “WHA? HUH? No way!”
And I’m sad, because I know there is no way I can have, or want to have, another child.
But somehow, there’s an evil Photoshop capability to the ultrasound, and the staff at the doctor’s office starts showing me images of the fetus, which now magically has the head of my dear son! They’re all scary right-to-lifers, and they are reading my mind and trying to guilt me in another direction. . . ACK.
Annoying words of “wisdom”, for your subconscious: You’ve got plenty of time to have a kid if you want one. Not having one ISN’T selfish — it’s just that the overwhelming degree of selfLESSness required to be a mother makes it look that way in comparison!