More Bounce to the Ounce
Why, oh, why must I be the only fat girl at the gym? Like, I know there are some thick chicks there sometimes, but in a huge, packed gym you’d think there would at least one other genuinely big girl there for me to give a solemn up nod to on the way to the water fountain or something. Last night my back felt weird and bad from hunching over my desk for so long, so I did the bike instead of the road to nowhere, and I swear I thought I was going to give myself a black eye. Something about the way my body situates itself on the bike squishes all my fat upwards, sending my tits into a spastic rhythmic jiggle every time I lift my feet to pedal. The faster I go, the faster they go, until I’m afraid they’ll just glide over my head and smother me like a giant mammory tsunami. I can assure you all eyes in bike land were on me. Not necessarily in a mean, or even in a pervy way, but more in a “What the fuck is happening on that girl’s chest?” kind of way. I guess the point of this very special episode of Emily’s Funniest Home Videos is that I did my 30 minute cardio sesh despite the bounce-a-thon, but no matter how my back feels next time, I think I’ll probably just get back on the road to nowhere with two sports bras for good measure. I’ve already abandoned the elliptical because of the intense bounce factor though, so it’s sad to see another option go. Et tu bike? Et tu??? If I could just figure out a way to make bounce-resistant exercise clothes, I’d make a mint.